Im happy but there is a heavy feeling of sadness in my heart that I just can't remove. Why am I like this?

Most people that know me would probably describe me as a social, happy, and somewhat quirky person with a twisted sense of humor.

Without resistance, sadness has a sense of beauty and depth I cannot find otherwise in life.

This interpretation lead me on a path of self improvement, to fix what I considered to be “wrong” with myself.

Have you ever heard of the god Priapus being the same as the god Phosphorus?

So I finally threw my hands up and said something to the tune of “fuck it, since I can't seem to change, I’ll just be whatever I am then.”

What I am trying to say is that when you stop trying to change yourself into something you are not, you give yourself the gift of discovering yourself as you already are.

It’s still here.

If Trump were to lose in 2024, would that be the end of his grip on the Republican Party?

So if you are sad - like me - then be sad.

Now, this may sound like a story of failure and giving up, but it’s actually a story of liberation.

I was tired of trying and failing.

Is it wise to choose your family over your honor?

But unlike before, there is no more resistance to the sadness.

I had run out of hope.

In the absence of a should, I was free to be as I am.

Why are white men so obsessed with Asian women? I'm friends with people from all different backgrounds but I never see my other non-white male friends obsess over or talk about Asian women like I've seen the white ones do.

Your job is not to be the manager of your life, but the one who discovers yourself fully.

Be who you already are.

For much of my adult life, I interpreted this sadness as something being wrong - with either myself or my life in general.

What do you think of the Black history lessons in the PBS documentary about jazz pianist-singer Hazel Scott?

It’s impossible to overstate the freedom and peace I discovered, and I realized the only one who had been keeping those from me was… me and my imagined standards and expectations for how I had imagined I should be.

And the sadness?

What most people don’t know unless they’ve looked more closely is that there is also an element of deep, profound sadness that has always been with me since as long as I can remember.

You hold the door open for a lady and she stops in her tracks and screams at you, ‘Don’t hold the door for me! I’ll get it myself!’ What are your feelings or immediate reaction?

The sadness was still there.

But no matter what I read or practiced, I could never make the sadness budge for longer than a few fleeting moments - and even then, it was likely due to me being distracted from the sensation of sadness rather than anything actually shifting.

When I stopped trying to force myself to be something I am not, I gave myself the freedom of being who I am.

What is the best/cute/funny/playful chat/conversation between brother and sister?

It’s here now, writing to you.

I was tired of fighting.

It wasn’t until about 10 years ago that I finally fell out of that ferris wheel of trying and failing to fix myself.

What is the best comeback you used on someone?

You are like me, then.

Needless to say, my failed attempts to fix my sadness simply brought me more pain and suffering.

It’s difficult to put into words exactly what caused what, but to the best of my ability to describe it, I felt as if my will to keep fighting was beaten right out of me.

Why am I sweating so much at night even though my room is really cold?

It’s the most beautiful and liberating thing in the world.

You are the masterpiece you came here to discover.